Introductions

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the very first episode of "A Farmer Takes A Wife" created and shown exclusively thanks to SimWorld Entertainment, a subsidiary of Edukational Teknologi.

I am your Hostess, your Mistress of Ceremonies so to speak, MiMi EmmCee. We were very pleased with the number of applications we received from both farmers and the women who wish to wed them. It was a difficult job to decide which applications to keep and which to discard. Well, that's not entirely true, some applications were quite easy to toss. For instance, some were too old. Some seemed too desperate. Not to mention being the wrong gender for procreation. Some had already started procreating. Some were just too strange to be seriously considered. (We later discovered this one is a resident of a local asylum. Poor thing.)

And others had family members employed by SWE/ET.

Very funny! Now will someone please get my cousin CeeCee's picture off the screen? What...?
Oh dear, I'm sorry about that. Let's introduce you to some of the applicates who did make it through to the final selection.

Application #1

We here at SWE/ET would like to introduce one of the possible “brides” for our farmer John Johns, Ann Rukavina.

Hello, Ms. Rukavina. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. It’s really good to be here.

Well, this is really an exciting time for you, isn’t it? What was it that drew you to audition for the show?

Well, I come from a really small town, you see. Where everything has been done. When I heard that a reality television show was coming to a town nearby, I jumped at the chance. I wanted to get away from the small town I grew up in, to expand my horizons.

Expand your horizons? If you were born and raised in a small town, what need do you have to “expand your horizons”? Please, explain this to us.

Well, it’s quite simple. It has been my dream to create something … something that everyone will want to buy. I can’t get ideas for that living in such a small town where resources are limited.

Well, you’d be moving to another small town though if you get chosen for the show. It’s a farming community. How is moving from one small town to a farming community going to assist you in your ultimate goal?

It’s going to expose me to the world. This is a sim-nationally syndicated show, isn’t it? I’m sure that this will open doors for me. I’m sure it will help me achieve me dream of owning my own business, too. Maybe a chain! Yeah! Everyone will know my name! My name will be on the lips of every sim in the nation!

But what about your husband? What if you win and become James Johns’ wife. Surely he’s going to need your help on the farm.

Oh, don’t you worry about that. It all fits together.

Does it really?

Why certainly! I’ve got it all figured out.

Hmm. Well, this is all really interesting, but we’re out of time. Thank you again, Ms. Rikavina, for coming. If you are chosen, I’m sure you’ll be hearing from us very soon.

Thanks for having me.

Is there anything you’d like to leave our viewers with before we go?

Sure! Remember my name. You’re going to be seeing it EVERYWHERE soon!

Application #2

Some of the applicants won us over when we saw their audition tape. For these lucky women we didn't even bother setting up an interview we just sent them acceptance letters right away. I'm sure that you will understand why when we show you our introduction to Barbara Stibbe.

**Cues video - there's a moment of empty air, the camera shooting a chair with nobody in it … the sounds of a tap running for a few seconds and then footsteps can be heard, before a young woman sits down in the chair, holding a glass of water*

Okay, let's see. *pauses to take a sip of water before setting on a table beside her* My name is Barbara Stibbe and I'm applying to be on your show 'Farmer Wants a Wife.' I think I'd be good for your farmer because I'm very interested in the environment and the thought of making money while keeping the whole cycle of life thing going sounds neat.

And I plan to have lots of friends, so there'll always be someone around to help out and all that fresh food and good friends can let you have some great parties! But it's nice being in the country and away from all those strangers who always want to get up in your business. I mean, what's up with people telling me to have a nice day? What if I don't want to have a nice day! Just leave me alone, y'know? Farms have all sorts of robotic things on them these days too and I find robots really sexy. Maybe if some of the equipment breaks we could find someone to make us a robot housekeeper or something!

*takes another sip of water, then stares into the camera for ten seconds* I think that's it. Yeah, that's it. Environment, money, friends, robots. Oh! And James… that was his name, right? I know you didn't give us his last name, but anyway, your Farmer won't have to worry when he comes in from the field that I won't give him a hug and a kiss like a lot of other girls. I know most people find it icky when a guy sweats. But to me, it shows he's really a man and that just, can I say it makes me all hot? Well, it does. So I like the thought of knowing he'll be sweating out in the sun all day and then come home to me. So that's it. Thanks! *gets up from the chair and heads to the camera … image ends*

I want to take a moment to apologize to our viewing audience and to the farmer himself. I inadvertantly referred to our Bachelor Farmer last episode as John Johns. His name is actually James Johns.

Application #3

Our third applicant for "The Farmer Takes A Wife" is...

Hello! I'm Carolyn Still. Perhaps you've seen me on another reality show, The Next Yummy Channel Star? I was dang good on that show, I'll tell you what! I would have won, too, if it hadn't been for that skinny little aerobic-instructor health-food nut-case. She was way too skinny to be a decent chef. I can't believe the judges chose her mediocre cooking over my fabulous menu.

Welcome, Caroly...

But enough about her, this is about me! I would be so awesome on this show. I could totally go for a farmer that's been educated. I mean, really, who better to know how to grow exactly the right ingredients for my fantastic cooking? And who better for a man than a woman who can cook, after all? I can always send him to Paris for a makeover if I don't like his hair.

I see, well could you please... I'm not ALL about cooking, although I do claim it as my biggest passion. I love to have a good time. I love going out on the town, dressed in my best. Something about eating out at other chef's restaurants makes me feel good about my own cooking, since I know my dishes are usually better than theirs, so I like to go out and go dancing or something afterward because I am just .that. good.

I believe we can safely say that humility... So, I think you should choose me for this show because I am the best woman for this job. I can cook, keep a man happy, make excellent use of garden-grown produce and I look good on camera, too.

(cuts in) Thank you Carolyn!

*motions to cut video feed* My yes, some applicants were just too good to let pass by.

Application #4

Our fourth applicant was another who was selected on the basis of her audition tape. I'm sure you will soon see why her video rose to the top of so many other applicants.

*video begins*

Woman on screen fluffs her hair, smoothes her lipstick, takes a deep breath, Okay I’m ready… a muffled voice is heard, I’m what? Oh! Oh how embarrassing… gives a quick glare to someone off camera, Well then, hello I’m Christie Furness… and this is my audition tape… fidgets in her chair, okay, we have to start this over, that is not how I want them to see me… fidgeting and unprepared… She waves a hand dismissively, turn that off lets start again… Video cuts out…

*video begins again*

Seriously wait till I say I’m ready! How inept can you be not to understand the basics of… Stares at the camera, The red light is on… you’re taping me again! Oh this is… you’re just… stop tape! Christie’s hand covers the lens, video cuts out…

*video begins again*

Blows her hair out of her eyes in exasperation, Ready… smiles for the camera, My name is Christie Furness… I have to talk about myself and it’s a bit unnerving really… I mean, to just sit and say who I am on tape and to be judged by this… well in any case, lets get to this.. Pauses and flashes an embarrassed grin, As I said, I’m Christie, Taurus… ugh, that was lame.. video cuts out …

*video begins again*
Christie waves to the camera, Christie Furness, I graduated from Sierra Tranquil Falls University, Suma Cum Laude. Those were great years in my life… some moments I will never forget. Like that one time this co-ed came in, oh it was such a sight! He… she blushes, Not really a story for mixed company... video cuts out …

*video begins again*
Hi, I’m Christie Furness, I have a BS in Communication, STFU… laughter can be heard from off camera, she looks exasperated, What? What’s so funny?!
video cuts out …

*video begins again* Christie sits, legs crossed, an easy smile, she’s quite poised, Greetings, Christie Furness… I’m a 22 year old, educated, warm, kind hearted, non-smoker. I am associated with many political groups as well as volunteer my time at various shelters. I am sending forth this audition tape in order to submit myself to the upcoming reality television series ‘The Farmer Takes a Wife’. I am fully committed to making this work. Thank you for taking the time to watch my tape.